THE DAY GOD DECIDED TO RECLAIM THE EARTH
A 5-minute radio play by Nina Galen
INTRO:
[SFX wind howling, theme music]
SANDHILLS RADIO THEATER PRESENTS: "THE DAY GOD DECIDED TO RECLAIM THE EARTH," BY NINA GALEN.
NARR: One day God looked down at what he'd created and found it...
GOD: ...baad! [ambient harp music] I told them little rascals to multiply and populate the earth, but they're goin' at it exponentially!
NARR: Two persons had become four; four became eight; one hundred became 200; one thousand, two thousand; one million, two million; and two billion...
GOD: [AMB harp] ...four billion an' countin'. I swear them boogers live longer'n Adam.
NARR: God saw how mankind was crowding out the birds and the beasts, cutting down the forests for firewood, and...
GOD: [AMB harp] ...foulin' the air and water. That's baaad! There's so many of 'em now, even if I sent a' earthquake, flood or plague it wouldn't make a dent. Tell you what, Son, I'm goin' down there and fetch back them plants an' animals an' oceans and stuff. If they don't want 'em, we sure could use 'em.
NARR: So God chose a big open space of earth with some lakes on it, that happened to be called Nebraska, and...
[SFX harp music in a descending arpegio, ending in a "bump" and then the rustling and crunching of a person walking through a cornfield.]
GOD: Hmmm. Corn's lookin' good...but no trees. Oh, here's one. I'll take it.
[SFX rustling of leaves]
NARR: God took hold of the tree and pulled...
GOD: (straining) uh... [SFX creaking of wood and rustling leaves]
NARR: and pulled...
GOD: (straining) ...oh my!... [SFX creaking, rustling]
NARR: ...but...
GOD: (sighing) Damn! Must have roots in Hades. What else kin I take? [SFX walking in high grass...a cow moos once] Hey, them beasts o' the field ain't got roots. I'll git me a baldie.
[SFX walking in grass, loud mooing.]
NARR: God approached a herd of grazing cows and took hold of one by the flanks, but the harder he tried...
GOD: (straining) uh! [SFX frantic mooing]
NARR: ...and as hard as he tried...
GOD: (straining) uhhhh! Damn!
NARR: ...he wasn't able to lift it.
[SFX relieved mooing of cows]
GOD: I heard it said, if you pick a heifer up one time each day from the day she's born, and ever' day when she's got a calf inside 'er, time comes when the calf's born and you kin pick up both mama and calf together. Guess I shoulda thought o' that a mite sooner. Well, I better jes' grab one o' them lakes and git on home.
[SFX water being scooped in hands slowly, then more frantically]
NARR: ...but...
GOD: I don't believe this. My kid can walk on this stuff, but me? it just slips through m' fingers. (sigh) Good gosh. What'm I gonna do if I can't save a darn piece o’ my own creation.
NARR: God sat frowning, deep in thought, when suddenly the answer came to him.
GOD: I know! I'll teach folks here on earth to appreciate what I've given 'em.
NARR: Looking up, God noticed five large metal vehicles parked along the lake shore. [SFX walking on sand and twigs, up two steps, opening metal door. Loud television sounds and gunshots]
GOD: Kids?...
NARR: ...God said to the children watching TV...
GOD: ...turn that noise down a mo.
KID1: Oh, God. [noise level drops]
GOD: Kids, here you are in Nebraska, with a lake and sandhills and cornfields. Now tell me, what's the most beautiful thing you ever saw on this whole beautiful earth.
BOY: Uhhhh...Terminator II.
GOD: OKay. An' you, honey?
GIRL: Uhhhh...a Tastyburger with everything?
GOD: Hmm. Never tried one o' them.
NARR: The kids took God for a Tastyburger, and God tasted it and found it...
GOD: Good! Damn, that's good! Never tasted nothin' that good.
BOY: Only trouble is, our teacher says some countries are cutting down whole rain forests so they can raise more and more cows for burger meat. Soon there won't be no rain forests left.
GOD: (chewing) Hmm. That a fact? Weeell, son, lemme tell you something: life may require some tradeoffs, 'specially where beef is concerned.
NARR: Later that same day God returned to heaven, very impressed by the insights he'd gained in Nebraska.
[SFX theme music]
NARR: THIS HAS BEEN A SANDHILLS RADIO THEATRE PRODUCTION "THE DAY GOD DECIDED TO RECLAIM THE EARTH," WRITTEN AND PRODUCED BY NINA GALEN. YOUR NARRATOR WAS, XXX. XXX and XXX WERE THE KIDS. [AMB harp music] XXX PLAYED... [harp stops]
[SFX an 11-digit telephone number on redial. Telephone ringing afar, then receiver is picked up]
MALE VOICE: (Bored sounding) Tastyburger.
GOD: Hello, Tastyburger? I'd like to order...up.
NARR: (spoken very fast in a low voice) SANDHILLS RADIO THEATRE IS UNDERWRITTEN BY THE NEBRASKA BEEF COUNCIL AND THE TASTYBURGER CORPORATION.